Between 3 and 5 years
These children see death as a departure. Their pet may be considered to be living underground while continuing to eat, breathe and play. Alternatively, it may be considered asleep. A return to life may be expected if the child views death as temporary. Children expect parents to 'mend' dead things at this age. They may also believe in magical concepts. Some children also see death as contagious and begin to fear that their own death or that of other loved ones is imminent. They should be reassured that their death is not likely.
Manifestations of grief often take the form of disturbances in bladder and bowel control, eating and sleeping. This is best managed by talking to your child to get him to express his feelings and concerns. Several brief discussions are generally more productive than one or two prolonged sessions.
Seven, Eight, and Nine Year Olds
The irreversibility of death becomes real to this age group. They begin to understand that everything will die but they may also associate death with darkness and violence. It is quite normal here for children to be curious about dead bodies and even suggest digging one up. Children have a shorter sadness span, grieve intensely and interrupt their grief with periods of acceptance and going out to play.
Several manifestations of grief may occur in these children, including the development of school problems, learning problems, antisocial behaviour or aggression. Additionally, withdrawal, over-attentiveness, or clinging behaviour may be seen. Based on grief reactions to loss of parents or siblings, it is likely that these symptoms may not occur immediately but several weeks or months later.
Ten and Eleven Year Olds
Children in this age range generally understand death as natural, inevitable, and universal. Consequently, these children often react to death in a manner very similar to adults.
Adolescents
Although this age group also reacts similarly to adults, many adolescents may exhibit various forms of denial. This usually takes the form of a lack of emotional display. Consequently, these young people may be experiencing sincere grief without any outward manifestations. It is important to encourage adolescents to discuss their feelings about death. They may fear death's unpredictability and may feel responsible for an animal's death.
Young Adults
Loss of a pet can be particularly difficult at this age, especially if the pet has been a family member for many years. Some psychologists say that a child who experiences grief in the context of a loving family gains preparation for many difficult life situations. Young adults need the same opportunities to voice their feelings as any of the other age groups.
Helping your child
The loss of your family pet is often the very first encounter that a child has with death. How we support our children, cope with the death ourselves, and mark the pet's death will shape our children's attitude to death and their ability to cope with bereavement in later life. It is recommended that children under 12 do NOT watch euthanasias. They may fear injections and anaesthesias later in life.
Professional bereavement counsellors are available in most cities. Do not be afraid to seek professional advice if you have questions about the experience of grief and pet loss. The normal balance in a family can be so disrupted that, occasionally, it is helpful to ask for outside assistance. A young child needs to know a definition and cause of death , such as 'Milly died because her heart could not keep working and she was very old for a big dog'. The grieving child needs to know that it is normal to feel anger, sadness and even guilt. Do not lie as a parent about your pet's death. If a child discovered that a parent lied about such an important subject, trust in you as a parent may be shattered. |
